


La Dada Da Da (Untold Mini-Tales from "Life with Marie")

by The_Whistler



Series: Honeybee... One Person's Theory [6]
Category: Steam Powered Giraffe
Genre: F/M, Fluff, Gen, Humor, Hurt/Comfort, Other, Robots, Romance, Science Fiction, Steampunk
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-07-02
Updated: 2018-11-04
Packaged: 2019-05-31 09:37:13
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 14,310
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15116684
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/The_Whistler/pseuds/The_Whistler
Summary: There were a lot of things alluded to or never told in my stupidly long epic. Some things would have taken too long, some just interrupted the flow, some actually deviated from story events, and some I didn't think of until later.In order to tell these little snippets and stories, I have made this. These will be smol stand-alone tales, sort of an anthology. Some may not even require knowledge of my fanon from the other story.Others are the kind of thing that I looked at and wished I had told further (little love stories, that sort of thing, eg. how does a woman fall in love with the mutated remains of her husband's murderer, how does an asexual but not aromantic robot have a relationship with a human girl, etc.).I may also write an appendix for the main fic eventually, because I totally haven't spent enough of my life on this nonsense. ;)Told in no particular order.DISCLAIMER: Rabbit's gender will reflect the era. If she thinks she's male at the time, the pronouns will correspond to that. I know some of y'all are bothered by that so I'm letting you know.





	1. Moanin' for You - 2009

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What Jon thought while performing in the park with his amnesiac girlfriend, ie. how one little bot got through 2-ish years of waiting.
> 
> Source video, which every fan should see:
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U9wvYeHO3cE

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As I said, they're in no particular order. I hope to be able to drop a story in from time to time. These should be easier than the installments on the rapidly closing fic. I just needed to get one posted so that the draft doesn't get deleted in a month.
> 
> Also, I'll try to put the year in the titles to give some starting idea of where this lands in the longer story.

Balboa Park, 2009:

 

They were talking with the crowd as themselves, just people, casual, not robotic at all. Even Upgrade had learned to pretend... even Upgrade, who, unlike the older bots, was more like her stage persona than her "human" program.

As one, with a hiss, they dropped into starting poses and bobbed up again, ran through the introduction. Michael Reed sat with banjo in hand... The Spine gave them a starting cue.

"Oh... ohhhhhhhhhh... oh oh..." sang The Spine.

Rabbit joined in on the second line. Jon stood ready. Upgrade was smiling her vacuous smile but maintained her position. Good... she sometimes wandered off.

"I'm moanin'... moanin'... moanin' for you..." The Spine began.

Jon started his pantomime and tried to keep calm as Rabbit joined in the singing. Not only was it essential to play it up for the crowd, but absolutely essential that no one, not even Upgrade herself, could read how he really felt about it.

The fake tears were the easy part, really.

He looked up, pretended to see her for the first time. His vortex bubbled as though he had. She was just as lovely as she had been in her little blue room.

He toddled to her, bumped into her gently, and took her in his arms. Yes! This was it... the whole reason he had come up with the routine. This one precious little moment of being allowed to hold her close, without anyone thinking he was up to something. Even she, his sweetheart, didn't know what she meant to him. Not now, not anymore...

And how symbolic it was, how cruelly accurate, when he "attempted" to kiss her, and her lips were never there! They had kissed so many times before, but never once with her new body, her own physical form. He had every single kiss stored away but it wasn't the same.

He pushed back the pain and began the dance. She pretended to be unable to move both legs. The crowd giggled as Jon struggled to get her to dance properly. After a minute of this, he did, in the performance, something he swore never to do in real life.

He gave up.

The laughter grew as he forced himself to walk away from her. He turned to an audience member and waggled his hips while tipping his hat, trying to look flirtatious, and extended his hand invitingly. Sometimes they danced, sometimes they declined, but they always giggled. He did enjoy that part... but he would enjoy it more if he knew he could hold her again sooner than the next performance.

No one accepted today. He turned and saw Upgrade; she had found a partner and was laughing and taunting him as the others sang. That was fine; it was part of the show and always got a chuckle out of the crowd. He felt an unusual stab of jealousy at her partner, who seemed way too happy to be holding her close. Did he have to hold her quite so close?

He felt a twinge of guilt. That wasn't very nice... It was just a show and she didn't owe him anything, really, especially if she couldn't remember being in love with him. It wasn't her fault. And she wasn't his property.

 And he'd seen the guy before... he recognized the long hair and hoodie. Still, he wasn't sorry when the song ended and they all pretended to shut down. When he stood once more, he saw the man backing away.

Good. Not that it had meant anything for the guy to dance with her... but still. Good. Sometimes they hung on a little too long...

The rest of the performance passed smoothly enough. Jon took Upgrade to sit in the shade and gently shut her down. Peter had suggested it, since it helped keep her from chasing pigeons. Rabbit sat nearby, occasionally looking at her and sighing.

Jon smiled weakly. He didn't blame Rabbit for lingering while he could; Jon could really relate to that. He'd hoped to be able to hold her hand for a while as she slept. It felt a little creepy sometimes. He had to remind himself that once he'd been so much closer. He glanced at her as casually as he could.

 _I love you_. _And I know you love me._

Michael Reed settled beside him and struck up a conversation. Jon chatted benignly with him and the others, but his heart wasn't in it.

 _And someday you'll remember who you are,_ he thought, _and that we love each other. And we won't hafta just cuddle during performances.  
_

Upgrade slept on. There was another show in 2 hours.

 


	2. Playdough - 1955

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which one thing leads to another.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I swear this started out as a ficlet (drabble?) about playdough and why Rabbit hates it. But The Spine wouldn't stay out of the lab and let his wife work distraction free, and Rabbit found more reasons to associate the stuff with deep frustration.
> 
> No promises that I'll post stories here this often. I do have others to finish...

"Why, Spine?" Rabbit moaned.

"Hm?"

Rabbit sighed deeply. It was a human behavior but The Spine preferred human behaviors.

"Oh, the dough?" The Spine said, startling out of his reverie.

"Yeah, the dough!" Rabbit snapped as Marie worked diligently at his finger joints.

"It's almost clean," she murmured in her comfortable Southern drawl.

"Good! I ain't pla-pla-playin' with it again!" Rabbit growled. "I just wanna know why ya even brought that crap here!"

"No one made you play with it in the first place!" The Spine spat back, finally tearing his attention from his wife's shapely derriere for long enough to realize Rabbit was picking a fight.

And that just pissed Rabbit off more. He'd gotten used to The Spine and Marie as a loving romantic couple but since Spine got back from getting his upgrades, he was completely obsessed with sex. 

Just to make it that much more annoying, Marie kept casting her husband looks that could best be described as, "Just wait a few more minutes, stud," and this made Rabbit somewhat uncomfortable with being this close to either of them.

Just as it had been ever since The Spine got home. Rabbit had tried to laugh it off at first, but the sound of bedsprings was getting old...

Marie had moved around to work with a toothpick on Rabbit's other hand, and The Spine, his anger forgotten, was now looking at her cleavage with an almost drunken expression as she bent over to find a tenacious speck of red dough. His eyes crossed ever so slightly and a little curl of steam rose from his collar. Marie glanced up and smiled and The Spine gave a little tip of his head, eyebrows raised questioningly.

"Oh, you," she breathed, returning to her work with a helpless grin.

"Almost done?" The Spine asked, tapping his fingers on the wall.

"Soon, love," Marie almost purred.

"How soon?" he pleaded.

Rabbit focused his mind the best he could. Think of something else. Honeybee... Twinkies... Ducks... that's it, count ducks... one duck... two ducks...

The Spine leaned down nonchalantly and whispered something into her ear. She giggled.

"Stop!" she moaned. "Just two fingers..."

He whispered something else, smiling slyly. She turned bright red and flicked an embarrassed glance at Rabbit, who stared in disbelief and counted his lucky stars that he turned down his hearing in the daytime.

"That ain't what I meant!" she hissed, resuming her work rather aggressively.

The Spine grinned wickedly and leaned against the wall. A scant minute later, he looked up at the ceiling while reaching one long arm over to tweak her backside.

Marie jumped and gasped. "Oh! I'm sorry, Rabbit..." she choked, glancing at her husband not with anger so much as a rather hungry expression.

Rabbit yanked his hand away and hopped down from the work table. 

"I'm just gonna go find Wanda..." he muttered. "Don't break nothin'."

"Rabbit!" Marie gasped as he strode out into the hallway. "I can just..."

Her voice was cut off abruptly. He heard it fade into a sort of moaning sigh as the door shut suddenly behind him. Rabbit shook his head and ran for it.

 

Ten minutes later, his hand was clean.

"Don't play with the playdough anymore, okay? I know it's fun to play with Davey but..."

"I know, I know, I swore it off already."

"Why didn't you have Marie finish the job?" she asked as she cleaned up the scrapings.

Rabbit sighed and shook his head.

"Oh," Wanda murmured knowingly. _"He_ was there, too?"

"Uh-huh."

"Good grief... As if they weren't bad enough before..."

"Oh, Wanda!" wailed a voice.

The Jon walked into the room unhappily, holding up his hands. There was multi-colored dough lodged in every finger joint.

"Davey has a new toy..." he said pitifully. 

"Oh, for..." she began. "Who's watching him, Jon?"

"Peter's nurse."

"Alright. Ugh, look at you... I need more than a toothpick for this! Come on, Jon..."

She ushered Jon out of the room and down the hallway.

"Oh, um..." Rabbit faltered, hastily stepping out after them. "I'd, uh... I'd avoid lab four, if I was you..."

Wanda fixed him with a horrified expression, looked at Jon's hands once more, closed her eyes and sighed a truly long-suffering sigh.

"Why, oh, why did he bring _that_ into this house?" she moaned.

"What, the dough?" Jon asked blankly.

Wanda opened her eyes abruptly and looked at him.

"Oh... yes, Jon. Yes. The dough."

She took him by the arm and led him away.


	3. Live Long and Prosper - 1976

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The fans love silver and gold but very often they just want them some copper robot. 
> 
> The copper robot doesn't know what to do with this information.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: Contains a scene of a brief semi-consensual make out with an involuntarily cornered robot. Might remind folks of more distressing situations, even though in here, the cornered robot is never genuinely helpless.
> 
> Also, sci-fi conventions were very new, the first real fandom conventions I think there were. Sure, people had been gathering for lots of things, but I don't think the nerd/geek communities had done so before the first sci fi cons in the '60s. From what I can tell, comic conventions started around 1970. So Rabbit would be astonished by the fans in their costumes in the 1970s.

"Would ya get a load of these kooks?" Rabbit snorted as they unloaded the van.

"We're hardly in a position to judge, Rabbit," The Spine chided.

"Yeah, we're the weirdest game in town, but tha fans don't usually g-g-give us this much competition."

The Jon set down a drum and grinned at the passing crowds, who looked back with curiosity as they entered the convention center. He waved, and a tall woman in a Vulcan costume waved back.

"They're cool," Jon said pleasantly.

Rabbit giggled. "I'd keep clear of that one, buddy. She's as tall as I am. She looks like she could crack ya like a walnut."

Jon's grin faded slightly into a lopsided look of fascination and Rabbit groaned.

"Do-do-don't even think about it."

"What?" Jon asked, his face suddenly blank.

Rabbit couldn't tell whether he'd spaced out or was just playing dumb.

"Never mind, Jon," The Spine said shortly.

Peter trotted up to them, carrying a handful of paper tags, and began to label various pieces of equipment.

"Alright, we're signed in. Rabbit, you're bunking with The Spine. I'll stay with Jon. The drummer already has a room with his girlfriend."

The Spine leaned in close as The Jon lifted the snare drum and started toward the convention center. "Shouldn't one of the automatons share a room with Jon, just in case?"

"Spine... he notices, okay? He can tell we don't trust him. Besides, he's been fine for years now."

"Yeah, but he hasn't been to a Star Trek convention before and he was wa-wa-way too into that Vulcan," Rabbit muttered.

"Come on, he can't really... can he?"

"I've learned not to ask. But he knows how to do something so why risk it?"

Peter sighed and looked toward Jon's retreating figure. "He's walking the wrong way. Come on."

They hastily piled the rest of the instruments onto a dolly and hurried after Jon, The Spine running ahead to steer him the right way.

"I'll tell him to stay with one of us, okay? He's flighty but he respects it when I tell him to behave."

"If he remembers, yeah. But okay, if y-y-you're that determined to do it. Technically we only need one room, though. We can sleep in chairs."

"Yes, but I want each of you to get proper stasis. Besides, three motors running at different speeds in the same room? I'd be up all night."

Rabbit snickered. Now the truth came out. Jon's machinery was the quietest of the three of them.

 

They worked the con the rest of the day. Rabbit was worried that their costumes wouldn't look futuristic enough for the sci-fi nerds, but it turned out that there had been time travel episodes of Star Trek, and The Spine, at least, fit right in. The Jon chose to wear some of his old hippie clothes, and people repeatedly yelled "I am Kirok!" as they passed. A few others could be heard murmuring about the Golden Man. Rabbit and The Spine got a little uneasy when they did.

Rabbit got the least attention, but he wasn't entirely sorry. He found them fascinating, but at the same time, what were grown ups doing wearing these silly outfits and playing space alien?

The girls, though. Whoo! He'd have to be careful not to tell Marie about the ones in the skimpy bikinis, even if they were painted green. Not that she had ever had anything to worry about; The Spine was a one woman man, and remained cordial and polite without being too forward. And Rabbit laid on the charm as usual, all while keeping an eye on Jon, who tended to lean forward over the table and fix each visitor with a doe-eyed look of adoration.

"Oh, look, Donna!" someone giggled.

Rabbit looked up. A pair of shapely girls in fur smiled down at Rabbit.

"Afternoon, ladies!" Rabbit crowed. "You're looking lovely today!"

They giggled and blushed. Cute.

"You're a real robot?" one asked brightly.

"I am! My name is Rabbit, an' I was built back in 1896. Y-y-you know... back when it was still illegal for women to read and write, and all tha men dressed like Mr. Peanut!"

The girls cracked up. Rabbit beamed. That old joke hadn't killed in years.*

"Will you be at the concert tonight?" Rabbit asked pleasantly.

"Oh, I think so," one murmured, smiling. "As long as we don't miss the party afterward in the bar."

"What do _you_ do after concerts?" the other inquired, her voice sultry.

"Oh!" Odd question... "Well, sometimes we sign autographs, but we're doin' that now because all tha space is booked for later. So I guess this time we'll just head ta bed."

The girls, still grinning, glanced at each other. "You have a bed?"

"Well, sure. Gotta sleep somewhere."

"Robots sleep?" one asked.

"Sure! Kinda. We go into stasis. It's like sleeping."

"Oh! Do you sleep alone?"

"Oh, yeah... these days," Rabbit sighed.

He tried not to think about that. He missed Honey every day...

"What if you can't sleep? There something you do that makes you sleepy?"

Rabbit was puzzled. He sometimes counted toasters, but he wasn't saying that in front of his brothers.

"I like bedtime stories," he joked.

"I bet you have some good ones," she purred.

"Are you staying in the hotel?" the other girl said, leaning forward a little.

Rabbit caught a solid glimpse of her cleavage and hoped she'd made her bodice secure. It looked like she was going to fall right out of it and that would be embarrassing!

"Sure!" he said, still staring in bewilderment at the cheesecake on display before him. "We come from too far out to head home so..."

"Excuse me, ladies," The Spine said cordially. "I believe we're developing a bit of a crowd and it would be most helpful if you could..."

"Oh! Sorry!" they giggled. "See you around, Rabbit!"

"We'll see you at the concert, ladies," The Spine called as they moved off, wiggling their fingers.

"What crowd, Spine? There's maybe three people here..." Rabbit said dryly.

"Rabbit! Here you're so worried about Jon and you flirt with girls yourself..."

"Flirt?"

"They were asking about your bed, Rabbit."

"Nah, I mentioned tha bed."

"They were fishing for information about where you're staying," The Spine pressed.

"Bull. Why would they wanna know that? They gonna steal something?"

"Well... they certainly want something! At least, the redhead did. Didn't you notice? She flashed her breasts at you and asked if you sleep alone, wanted to know about your bedroom habits, even hinted you might talk dirty to her! And you encouraged her..."

Rabbit was at a loss. "That's how I talk ta everyone..." he faltered.

"No... look, I'm sorry for saying you were encouraging it. I know you didn't mean to. But you should know they were putting out signals."

"About _me?_ " Rabbit gasped.

The Spine smiled. "You never notice when women flirt with you."

"That's because th-th-they don't! _You're_ the one they make eyes at! Sometimes Jon... but me? Why would they wanna fool around with an old junkbot?"

"I won't deny they seem to take an interest in me and Jon, but you get your share of attention. As for being an old junkbot, I hope you know that since you got your new and improved plating back, you look as modern as I do."

"Wash yehr mouth out with soap..."

"You do. And after all that flirting, I'm concerned that one of those girls might try something."

Rabbit snorted. "They were probably just p-p-playin' out a bet."

"Just stay alert, alright?"

"It ain't like they can have their way with me..."

"No, but you know as well as I do how much trouble they can make if they try, and you turn them down."

"Dammit..." he muttered. Why did he have to be so charming?

"That's easy to fix," Jon said sleepily, leaning back in his seat. "Just don't turn them down."

"I'm gonna chain you to your bed, so help me," Rabbit muttered.

Jon giggled.

 

He was relieved to see no sign of them at the concert that night. Whether they were somewhere that the footlights obscured, or hadn't shown at all, he didn't know. He was just glad there would be no autographs afterward. They could get to bed quickly... and lock the door.

But by the time the stage was cleared and the instruments stored, Jon had disappeared and the search was on.

"Of course. Of course he did," Rabbit complained. "He's probably lookin' for someone to... I can't even think about it."

"I agree," The Spine muttered.

"Who knew sci-fi conventions were such meat markets?" Peter chuckled. Rabbit squinted at him sidelong.

"What're you laughin' about, bright boy? Yehr supposed ta keep track of him, an' we w-w-w-warned ya, but no, yehr smarter than we are..."

"Rabbit..." The Spine growled.

"I was gonna go upstairs an' lock myself in before them wildcats find me an' try ta do biology experiments! I ain't happy!" Rabbit grumped.

"Wildcats?" Peter asked, bewildered.

"Never mind, kid. Let's just find Jonny and get ta bed."

"Well, then, I have to suggest the Scooby Doo method."

"Get help from a talking dog?" Rabbit suggested.

"Set a trap?" The Spine asked.

"Very funny. I mean we should split up."

"Oh, I dunno about that..." Rabbit said, looking around anxiously. "Tha-that's when tha monster always shows up..."

"I'll take the third floor," Peter continued, ignoring Rabbit's objections. "Spine, you take the second. Rabbit, finish the first. We'll meet in the lobby after that and choose where to look next." Peter hurried off to find the elevator.

"Stay in public hallways. Like you said, they can't actually have their way with you," The Spine assured him.

"But they can cry 'rape' an' stuff!"

"Then if you see them, run. And radio me."

"Great..."

The Spine walked away and Rabbit stared after him, sighing.

"What'm I even d-d-doin'?" he grumbled as he stomped off alone. "Half tha hotel is probably screwin' tha other half and I ain't stoppin' ta listen for steam emitters in tha middle of all that huffin' an' puffin'."

Which, he realized with a shudder, could be happening all in the same room if Jon had gone somewhere with that Vulcan.

He plodded along and soon heard people singing a drinking song in a made-up language. He'd reached the bar. Rabbit strolled in and peered among the various drinkers and saw Jon, curled up in a booth, deep in stasis, nestled against the Vulcan. He approached, smiling.

"Hello," she said. "Glad you found us. I was wondering what to do with him."

"Hey. Name's Rabbit, and I see you've met Tha Jon. Hee... guess he wore himself out," Rabbit chuckled.

She smiled as he radioed The Spine. He was stronger and Rabbit didn't much feel like carrying Jon to bed. The Spine responded that he was on his way.

"I called tha cavalry. We'll have him out of yehr hair in a few minutes."

"Thanks! I'm just exhausted. Pull up a chair."

Rabbit wriggled into the booth, sitting opposite. "He didn't, uh... try anything. Did he?"

"What? Oh, no! He's so sweet. He just wanted to talk to me and then he fell asleep! Or whatever he does."

"Same difference. He's down for the count either way. I could lift him but I'm lazy. Got tha big guy on his way."

"Oh, yeah... he's so tall."

"And strong. He can handle him easy."

She sipped her drink. "He said you warned him to watch out for me," she said, a smile twitching at the corners of her mouth.

"Oh... it ain't personal, ya know... He's just kinda confused right now. He saw ya wave an' I think he thought you were flirtin'."

"It's alright. I just waved to be friendly."

"That's good. I worry about the little guy."

"Why? He's a robot! He can take care of himself."

"He can, and he is, but that don't mean he makes good choices. He's run off before and gotten into some interesting situations."

"Like what?" she asked with wide eyes.

"Well, if you believe it, he w-was with hippies and I heard they taught him a few things about free love."

"You're kidding!" she laughed, leaning toward him as much as she could without troubling Jon.

"No lie! So we figured he'd go find himself a lady and practice what he learned!"

"Oh, my goodness!" she laughed. "I had no idea! Robot free love? Is that even possible?"

"You wouldn't think so, but yeah... turns out a robot can give a girl a pretty good time!"

"Too much!"

They were both giggling when The Spine arrived. He looked down with one eyebrow raised.

"Heyas, Mr. Spock," Rabbit chortled. The girl laughed.

"Hello... Madam, I'd be happy to get that weight off you."

"Oh, thank you! My leg is asleep!"

The Spine carefully lifted Jon like a child and eased him onto his shoulder. Jon never stirred.

"Coming, Rabbit?" he murmured.

"Oh, uh... yeah, in a minute."

"It's late and you said you wanted to get to bed."

"I know. I said I'd be a minute, okay?"

"Alright."

He turned slowly. As soon as The Jon's bottom was between his face and the Vulcan, The Spine flicked his eyes toward her.

_Huh?_ Rabbit radioed.

_It's happening again._

_Like hell._

_It is. You've been warned. And she's already a little tight._

_Ugh. We're just having a laugh. I said I'd be up soon._

_I'll leave the door unlocked._

_Seriously? I'm not gonna be that late..._

_I'd say you couldn't, but there's a first time for everything._

_You got a dirty mind._

The Spine made no further response as he strolled away. Rabbit smiled at the girl to cover the sudden feeling of dismay. He'd meant to excuse himself as soon as Jon was carried away, but The Spine just had to pull that lofty grandmother crap. _"Coming, Rabbit?"_ Ugh!

"Well, I guess I should..." he began, inching toward the edge of the seat.

"Yes, it's getting late," she agreed, sliding out of the booth.

Oh.

"Could you walk me to me room? I came to the convention alone and those dark empty hallways are so scary."

Rabbit relaxed. That was different. Gallantry was part of his core programming, taught by his old pappy long ago.

"Of course, ma'am," Rabbit cooed, holding out one arm. "I wouldn't want ya to have to go to your room alone."

"Thank you," she murmured as she took his arm. "That was my mistake, alright. It's no fun to come alone."

Rabbit almost stopped short. That could be taken two ways... but no. The Spine's dirty mind was apparently contagious. The idea of some girl he hardly knew just suddenly wanting to jump in the sack with Rabbit!

She wobbled as she walked, stumbling a little. Rabbit caught her and steadied her.

"You okay?" he asked.

"Oh, yeah... just a little buzzed. I can walk alright."

"Ah."

Well, The Spine had been right about that. Apparently she was a sober drunk.

They wandered the first floor for a while until she announced her room was on the sixth floor. Rabbit, suppressing a sigh, found the elevator.

A man got on with them and exited on the second floor. As soon as the doors closed behind him, the girl turned and looked steadily at Rabbit.

"Something on your mind?" Rabbit murmured, leaning away slightly.

She smiled slowly and he suddenly got the powerful feeling that his brother might have known what he was talking about. Or maybe she was gonna tell him a knock-knock joke. It could go either way, really.

He didn't have to wait long for the answer. She hit the button to stop the elevator, grabbed him roughly and pulled him against her. He giggled nervously.

So no knock-knock joke, then...

"Wow, uh... you _look_ like a Vulcan but yehr actin' more like a Klingon..."

"Kiss me!" she moaned.

"I... what?"

"You're so sexy..." she sighed, sliding her hand down his back. 

What, really? Rabbit was stunned. Sexy? That was a first. How drunk was she, anyway?

But it was awfully flattering, being called sexy. He considered complying just to see how far she would go. At least, how far she'd want to go.

As fascinating as this was, though, he didn't have the hardware to follow through with a human girl, so he'd have to just be sexy without the actual sex. 

"I'm a robot, lady..."

"I know..." she purred, "and you said you could show me a good time..."

Oops. He'd said a robot could, but he hadn't actually meant himself! He hated it when The Spine was right...

Before he could decide how to respond, however, she hooked a hand behind his head and kissed him. At least, she tried. Rabbit had exactly one somewhat kissable rubber lip, the upper one. The lower lip was molded iron, part of his chin plate.

But if she was discouraged by this, she showed no sign of it. Rabbit stood, bemused, while she went positively ape on his lips and did her damnedest to slip him the tongue. Ew. She seemed so eager to manage it that he took pity on her and opened his mouth a little. Maybe the taste of motor oil would slow her down.

It didn't. He patted her back awkwardly, wondering how to get out of this one without doing her an injury. He particularly wanted her tongue back in her own mouth. He'd been curious, but that curiosity was already well satisfied. Tongues were slimy as hell, but she seemed to have no interest in retrieving hers and was not in the least discouraged by his lack of response. Not that he knew how to respond. Were you supposed to take turns? Maybe both stick out your tongues and battle it out?

To make it even weirder, she was shoving her hips against him and groping his backside, and even that wasn't enough to cool her off. The front of his pelvic assembly was pretty much flat, and his rear didn't have the sculpted human form The Spine's had. It was a plain old metal pelvis with dense foam padding. But she must have liked it because she gave it a hearty squeeze and let out a little moaning sound.

Huh. At least it was better than the tongue.

Well, here he was. He wasn't getting anything out of this, outside of a sleazy little thrill at the thought of having a fling in a hotel with a total stranger. He'd heard talk and it was intriguing, had there been a stranger in the hotel capable of having a fling with a robot. This one was certainly open to try from what he could tell. She was currently trying to work one of his belts open. She was in for a disappointment if she thought there was anything in there she wanted...

But though he might have gotten a kick out of trying, if only to piss off The Spine, he was brought up on a very old code of conduct. And according to that code, he couldn't go to bed with her even had he wanted. The Spine noticed she was a little tipsy, but Rabbit had gotten a longer look and he knew by now that she was stewed to the eyebrows. The fact that she was trying to open his pants was proof enough of that. She might have been attracted even if she was sober; he didn't know. But a gentleman would never accept her consent when she wasn't.

He gently caught her by the shoulders and eased her away. No sense letting her get any more worked up.

"Whoa, there, kid... I ain't what ya think."

"What? Sure... you're a... a robot man..."

"Well, yeah, baby. A real one, not just some mook in face paint."

"Yeah..." she breathed, reaching for him once more.

Huh. "Not what I meant, kid. I mean I can't make love to ya. I'm a robot, see? I don't got tha parts."

"I'm creative," she said, hiccuping.

Interesting... Oh, well. "No, baby. What you need is some rest."

"Awww..." she moaned, wobbling on her feet.

He steadied her again and asked gently, "Where's yehr room, honey?"

She smiled and came in for another kiss. Rabbit sighed as he carefully held her by the shoulders, preventing her from coming closer.

"I'm gonna take you to yehr r-r-room so you can get some _sleep_ , okay? Just you, all by yehrself. I'll be leaving once yehr safe. No funny business. No ge-ge-gettin' creative. Just you asleep in yehr bed alone an' me leavin' you there. Got it?"

Her chin quivered.

"And tha waterworks ain't gonna get ya anywhere, kid," he said kindly. "I'm old enough to be yehr grandfather. Come on, where's the key?"

She started digging in her purse when it tipped sideways. A key fell out along with half the contents. Rabbit crouched to gather them and the girl draped herself across his back.

"Seriously, kid... this is startin' to be kinda pitiful..." Rabbit grunted, struggling under her weight. 

The girl made no response and Rabbit realized why when she fell off his back and hit the floor with a loud whump.

She'd passed out. Rabbit cringed in sympathy. That was gonna leave a few bruises!

He gathered the items and purse and tucked the contents back inside, then hoisted her onto his shoulder, grunting with effort. Her dress was a little too short; he carefully tugged at the hem but her panties still showed. Well, he'd just have to hurry. Maybe no one would see him.

He examined the key; it was labeled for a room on the first floor. Big shock.

Rabbit punched the button apprehensively. The Spine had tried to warn him, if not about this exact situation, then about something of the same sort. She wasn't getting mad about being rejected, but it was hardly better for people to see a great big robot with a limp woman over his shoulder with her drawers on display to everyone, heading for her hotel room. 

"Please let the hallway be empty," Rabbit whispered.

He was greeted, when the doors opened, by a security guard and a cluster of people trying to get the elevator moving. Rabbit grinned weakly.

"Hey, uh... This ain't how it looks..."

The guard raised his eyebrows. To Rabbit's immense relief, he replied, "Buddy, even if it was, it wouldn't be the weirdest thing to happen tonight, not by half."

"She's plastered. She passed out in tha elevator..."

"I got you. Need some help?"

He didn't, but he had a feeling he should have a witness when he placed her, whole, unviolated and generally unharmed, in her room, so he nodded. The guard took the purse and key and opened the door. Together they tucked her into the bed, leaving her things on the desk and locking the door before shutting it.

"She should be safe enough. We walk the halls all night during a convention," the guard told him as they walked away.

"Good," Rabbit murmured.

"Hey, I'm no expert on robots, but you seem a little shaken."

"Well... between you and me, she kissed me right before the booze won the war."

The guard took one look at Rabbit's lips and chuckled. "That's one determined girl."

 

Rabbit slipped into his room at last. The Spine was in bed, but Rabbit could tell he was awake.

"Was I right?" he murmured as Rabbit removed his vest.

"Yes, dammit. She was also a lot drunker'n ya thought."

"She'd have to be."

"Thanks. I'd thump ya one if I didn't agree."

Rabbit cleaned off excess oil deposits from the concert, slipped on some pajamas, and wriggled into bed.

"You... didn't _actually_ do anything with her. Right?" The Spine asked at last.

"What?"

"You took quite a while to make it back. I just wondered..."

Rabbit grinned in the darkness. He didn't see how The Spine could think otherwise, but seeing as how he did...

"That's _my_ business, ain't it?"

"Oh... of course."

Silence.

"I just wonder what she'll think when she wakes up sore all over with motor oil on her breath," Rabbit said casually.

"Rabbit..."

"G'night, buddy."

"Seriously..."

"Get some sleep. We got panels tomorrow."

The Spine groaned. Rabbit went into stasis smiling.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *I was going to have Rabbit commandeer The Spine's "back story" joke and receive the skunk eye from Spine for it, but that term is far newer than Mr. Peanut.
> 
> I consider this story to be sort of an answer to the events of A Beautiful Body. None of the robots were really the sort to make the first move in public, but they had others make it and responded in various ways. The Spine, when he was young, went for it as far as he could. Jon, later on, probably just went for it, period. But Rabbit, the sort to remove her hat when singing about a death in a story song because of those old school manners, would stop the aggressor (eventually) and put them to bed. Older Spine probably would, too.


	4. Congratulations - 1955

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You're going to be a father, Mr. Spine.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Also, reminding everyone that this was the 1950s. If any of the attitudes or behaviors here seem outdated, (such as Marie referring to her entire set of sex organs as "down there" or the "bring your husband, Mrs. Lady" attitude), it's because they are. :)

"Captain Albert Alexander, he went down in history..." The Spine sang softly.

He paused, listening. Davy didn't even twitch. He leaned in close and heard the soft sound of the toddler's steady breathing.

"Peace. It's wonderful," he sighed, smiling.

He crept from the room and went two doors down to his own. He could hear Marie in the bathroom. She'd excused herself a little early from dinner, after asking him to put Davy to bed.

He eyed the pajamas he'd left on a chair for a moment. Davy was fast asleep... He locked the door and slipped out of his clothes, folding them and laying them on the chair with the pajamas. After a moment's consideration, he added his boxers to the pile, then climbed carefully into bed, tugged the sheet up and waited, laying on his side with his hand supporting his head.

Marie walked out in her nightgown and saw him smiling at her. She tried to smile back but somehow it didn't quite feel sincere.

"Is something wrong?" he murmured.

"Oh... love, I just don't feel like it tonight."

She didn't have to say what, considering he was laying in bed wearing nothing but a smile. They'd taken turns since their honeymoon greeting each other in the altogether, and had done so even more since his upgrades. He enjoyed those moments as well as what followed... but he didn't need it. He was a little disappointed, of course, but that was life.

"Alright, love," he murmured, rising to put on his pajamas. He kissed her gently. "Let me know when you are."

"Thanks, love. I just... have a lot on my mind."

"Anything you want to get off your chest?"

"I don't want to worry you."

He smiled painfully as he tugged up his pajama pants. "Well..."

"You're already worried because I said that. I know. Guess I need to tell you the rest, then." She sighed. "I made an appointment to see the doctor. I've missed two periods and I'm afraid something's wrong."

"Two?" he exclaimed, still holding his pajama top. "But... what could cause that?"

"Well, I know what the obvious one is and so do you. Since it can't be that, I'm just afraid it's something to do with that infection I had years ago."

"Is there any pain?"

"No! Well... I'm a little crampy. Down _there,_ you know. But that's it. And food isn't sitting well either. And I'm kinda scared..."

"Marie..." he said soothingly. He put down the shirt and pulled her into his arms.

"Will you go, too?" she asked thickly. "Just bring Davy and you two go to the park by the hospital while I see the doctor?"

"You sure you don't want me to have Rabbit watch Davy so I can go with you?"

"Oh, no. No, the doctor will be looking at my... _you know."_

"All the more reason for me to be there..." he said uncomfortably.

"He has the nurse in for those sorts of examinations, love. And I don't want anyone here to suspect I'm seeing the doctor. Then they'd just worry, too. We'll just say we're going to do some errands and such like. I just want to know you're nearby."

"Alright, love."

 

Two days after the examination, Marie received a phone call. She told The Spine about it in hushed tones in the garden during Davy's nap.

"He wants me to come, too?" The Spine asked, bewildered.

"That's what they told me. We'll have to get Rabbit to watch Davy even if he does end up worrying."

"But why? What did the doctor do last time?"

"Just what I told you. He poked my belly and looked... _inside,_ you know... and took some samples to test. And he said I'd need to come in once the tests were done."

"Do they usually only take two days?"

"I don't know! I don't really know what all he was looking for," she murmured, looking at the roses. "But I'm so worried since he asked me to bring you."

"And I'll be there," he said firmly, kissing her brow. "You know I'm worried, too."

"I know."

But he didn't tell her exactly why. She had been in the best of health until he came back with his new upgrades. Suppose he'd harmed her? They'd spent an awful lot of time making love...

If he'd hurt her in the process, he would never forgive himself.

 

The next day, they sat in the doctor's office while the man shuffled through a file and smiled awkwardly.

"Thank you for coming in. I'm afraid I have some difficult news for you both," he said delicately.

The Spine braced himself. He had to be strong, had to sit there and hear it, no matter what it was. She needed him and he couldn't fail her, but... he was terrified he might lose her.

"What is it?" Marie said, her voice trembling just a little.

The Spine reached over and took her hand. She looked at him and smiled, but there was fear in her eyes.

"Well, it's not what you'd consider bad news," the doctor said in a slightly lighter tone. "But I've known the Walter family for years, both human and robotic, and I must tell you that the information I have to share is of a particularly sensitive nature, which is why I asked that Mr. Walter be here as well."

The Spine scowled. He appreciated being referred to as Mr. Walter instead of by his real name, under the circumstances, but he didn't appreciate the stalling. Why couldn't the man just spit it out?

"Alright," Marie said softly.

"You know that I did a few tests to try and find out what was wrong, including a routine pregnancy test."

The Spine looked at Marie, who was blushing. "You didn't tell me..."

She smiled weakly. "Because he did it just did it to rule it out and you'd get all worried," she mumbled.

"Well, I'm afraid... it came back positive," the doctor finished.

Silence.

"I'm sorry..." Marie breathed. "Which one came back positive?"

"You're expecting, Mrs. Walter."

Marie shook her head. "No," she said thickly. "That's not right. You must have the wrong file..."

"I don't," the doctor said gently. "I checked that myself before calling you. This is without question your file with your test results, indicating that you are most unquestionably pregnant."

"No, I'm _not!"_ she wailed. _"_ It... it has to be a mistake! The test is wrong!"

The Spine, thunderstruck, could only stare at the doctor. Was this why Marie had said she didn't know what tests he'd done?

"I know this is hard to accept, Mrs. Walter," the doctor said firmly. "I realize that. But I examined your uterus and checked your cervix, and the test came back absolutely in the affirmative. You're approximately two months pregnant."

Marie's mouth seemed to have become stuck open. Tears welled in her eyes.

"I don't understand!" she sobbed at last.

The Spine, for his part, felt as though his nerve sensors had stopped functioning. He couldn't take it in. How could Marie be pregnant? How was he supposed to respond to this? Should he rejoice or break down? Shout he laugh or scream? And how? Had she been attacked? Had she... he couldn't even consider it. Of course, Marie being unfaithful was preferable to her having been assaulted, and yet... it also would mean that she'd been willing, and that struck him to the heart.

"I appreciate the difficulty of your situation," the doctor said, looking at each of them in turn. "And I know what you must be thinking, Spine. But we need to understand more before anyone leaps to any conclusions. Alright?"

He clearly expected an answer. They each nodded, Marie turning her head as she did and giving The Spine a searching look. He looked at her only briefly. He just needed to think!

"Good," the doctor continued. "With that said, it goes without saying that I've never dealt with a case such as this. And I'll be blunt... as painful as it is to consider, _if_ Mrs. Walter has conceived by another man, well, it needs to be established now."

"If?" The Spine cried.

Was he honestly saying he thought The Spine could have gotten Marie pregnant?

He should have been baffled and worried by such a suggestion. But this doctor was a specialist with experience in Blue Matter research. If he thought it was possible... maybe it was?

What an incredible thing, too thrilling to even let himself hope... But it couldn't be, could it? There was no way... was there? But then, he didn't know everything they had changed about him in that laboratory, and he trusted Marie... so much so that he could sooner imagine he had impregnated her himself, than he could imagine her being unfaithful.

The Spine felt a thrill of hope growing in his core. Maybe...

His confused elation splintered as he realized Marie was giving him the look of the cruelly betrayed.

"If!" she gasped. "If?"

"I mean..." he floundered.

"Mean? Mean what? Just what the hell do you mean by _'if?'"_ she gasped. "Do you mean to tell me you think I... I cheated on you?"

"No!" he gasped. "Marie..."

"What the hell was that 'if' about, then?"

"I j-j-just... I didn't think I could be the father so then... logically..."

"Logically I slept around? Logically I cheated on you?" She rose suddenly from her chair, glaring. "How dare you! How... how _dare_ you!"

"Now, let's not..." the doctor began.

The Spine stood so quickly that his chair fell over and backed away, hands held up as if to ward off an attack. "No... no, love, I never really thought you'd been unfaithful... I just thought maybe... someone had taken advantage of you and you were trying to... ugh..."

She marched right up to him and he shook, rattling softly.

"You thought I got took advantage of, is that what you thought? Because _you_ haven't been all over me like a rash since you got back with that new piece of machinery in your pants?"

"But Marie!" he gasped. "I _can't_ be the one who got you pregnant, can I?"

Her fists were shaking at her sides and he swore her eyes flashed fire. Maybe she was just taking out her shock and fear on him but he was terrified! She never lost control like this!

Besides, she'd never had any complaints in bed... or on the floor.... a few times in the lab... in the attic... that one time behind the duck pond... not that he was fool enough to say any of that to her face.

"You can't, huh? Well, you sure as hell tried hard enough! And I got a news flash for _you_ , _Colonel Walter's Mechanical Marvel!"_ she snapped, her Southern drawl in full bloom.

Uh-oh. That was the name of his upcoming exhibition at the World's Fair. Marie had found it funny when they first suggested it early in the planning stages, but these days she only called him that when he was really in the doghouse...

"I ain't been with _anyone_ , willing or unwilling, except for you! But no, _Colonel Walter's Mechanical Marvel_ thinks he's a damned doctor! _Colonel Walter's Mechanical Marvel_ thinks I'm some medieval fairy tale princess pushover who would just keep my mouth shut like a saint if a man took advantage of me! But let me set that _mechanical marvel_ straight and tell him that if any man presumed to do that to _me_ I'd sic my sister on him and that would be that!

"So if I am gonna have a baby, which I doubt, guess who the father is?"

"Colonel Walter's Mechanical Marvel?" he asked faintly, cracking a half smile as he tried to lighten the mood.

"Damned... damned right..." she faltered, her voice breaking.

She burst into tears and he pulled her into his arms.

"I'm sorry!" she choked.

"No... I shouldn't have..."

What? Shouldn't have what? Made love to his wife? Said one short word before she pounced on him? He thought he'd been uncommonly well behaved under the circumstances! Anyone else would have instantly assumed the worst. And as much as he wanted to believe it, he just couldn't possibly be the father of her child!

But he couldn't be angry with the woman he loved, not when she was sobbing and terrified in his arms, at least. And maybe she was right.

"Are you _sure_ there wasn't a mistake?" The Spine asked as he held her. "Because I don't believe for a second that Marie was unfaithful."

The doctor held his hands up placatingly. "If I may try something? I think I can confirm whether the child is yours, Mr. Walter."

The Spine looked at Marie's tear streaked face. She nodded.

"Mrs. Walter? Please lay on the examination table."

"Should I take off anything?" Marie asked reluctantly.

"Just pull up your sweater a bit and tug down the waist of your skirt. We just need to be able to see your belly."

The Spine lifted her unnecessarily and set her on the table, where she adjusted her clothing as needed. The doctor crossed to the doorway and turned off the light.

"What in the world?" Marie cried. "How can you tell anything in the dark?"

"Bear with me, please. Mr. Walter? If you could lean in close."

"How close?"

"Physical contact with your wife. Please."

The Spine, bewildered, leaned down in the darkness of the office and put his arm around Marie. The doctor peered at her stomach with a critical eye.

"What is it?" The Spine asked anxiously.

The doctor looked up and murmured, "Don't you see it? Look closely."

The Spine looked at Marie's stomach and gasped.

"What is it, love?" Marie begged, trying to sit up.

"Marie..." he whispered, astonished.

His voice choked off. Marie curled her body to peer past her bust at her stomach.

"What?" she gasped.

Her belly, just below the navel, was glowing a distinct blue. 

"Congratulations, Mr. Walter," the doctor said.

 

The drive home was a quiet one. Marie sniffled occasionally and he understood. But the doctor had been thorough, and he knew his business well. And they'd seen the blue glow themselves.

It wasn't possible. And still it was true. Marie was carrying his child.

He looked out the window and grinned helplessly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And snuck in here was the beginnings of his fear of hurting her with his... um... upgrades. Which would become a living nightmare for him years later, poor baby.


	5. Koi Fishing in Balboa - 2008

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The former least functional band member matures reluctantly as he tackles the job he volunteered for: wrangling the large and angry toddler that was his girlfriend. In the process, they meet a 6'4" angel.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another Jon and Upgrade ficlet. I may do a few of these as the ideas strike me.

"Fishies!"

"Upgrade! No!"

"Here, fishy fishy!"

"Dammit..." Jon muttered.

He didn't usually swear that much... in public. He'd gone through a few phases of swearing when he was in the military and he'd enjoyed it, but it also made people glare at you and hurry their children away.

Right now, though, he felt like swearing non-stop. He got that she liked the koi and he had a feeling he knew why, but why did she have to try and grab them out of the pond? She'd even promised not to, and still she did it!

Still, if he was right, it meant that _somewhere_ in her mind she remembered something about Jon, something that attracted her. The assumption would have seemed like ego if it weren't for the fact that she also liked to stare at people who were eating hot dogs. Not to mention all the drawings she'd done of his human avatar... stark naked.

He'd enjoyed his human avatar so much that he'd spent an awful lot of time wearing it... and nothing else. And when she joined him... well...  He sighed. It had been so long since they had...

"Gotcha!"

"No!" Jon squeaked, diving for her arm as she made a grab for a koi that looked just like his.

"Hi!"

Upgrade looked around sharply at the source of the sound, then looked back at the pond. "I missed!" she howled.

Jon grabbed her hand and held it tightly. She squirmed like a cat but Jon had learned how to keep a firm grip on her, when he needed to.

"Having some trouble?"

It finally registered that someone was speaking to him. Jon looked up... and up some more. A young man almost as tall as The Spine was beaming down at them, his plump face bright with excitement.

"You're with the Steam Man Band, aren't you?"

"Oh! Yeah, we... oof! We are..." Jon managed. Upgrade had kicked him in the backside.

"Awesome! Where are the others?"

"We're just out for a walk, but... ow... stop it... Anyway, I think we'd better go back home."

"Let me go, you..." Upgrade began.

Jon slapped his hand over her mouth hastily as a group of school children toddled past in a line, bound for the dinosaur museum. Upgrade had never quite forgotten the words she'd learned from her Pappy after her download.

The young man was giggling. Jon wanted to giggle, too. But he was so frustrated!

"Do you need help?" the man asked.

"Yeah, but humans aren't strong enough to control Upgrade."

"I control myself!" she roared after yanking her mouth away from his hand.

"The hell you do..." Jon muttered.

The young man reached back and tugged. A banjo swung around to his stomach. Jon was about to warn him to keep it out of range of Upgrade's swinging limbs when the man started playing... and Upgrade stopped fighting.

"Pretty!" she squealed.

It was. Jon beamed.

"My name is Michael, by the way," the young man said, turning. "This way?"

"What?"

"Your home. Walter Manor, right? I'll walk you there since she likes the music."

"Oh. Oh, that's a good idea!" Jon cried.

Upgrade danced happily alongside Jon and he sighed quietly. They used to dance together sometimes.

"What's your name?" Michael asked.

"Oh, I'm The Jon an' she's Upgrade."

"Cute," Michael chuckled.

"No, I'm the _pretty_ one!" Upgrade spat, then resumed dancing.

Michael chuckled. "Can I meet the other robots?" he asked gently.

"Sure!" Jon said cheerfully.

"What are they like?"

Upgrade did a twisting sort of dance, clapping her hands on either side of her head alternately.

"Rabbit's a f***ing ***hole," she said sweetly. "But The Spine is my boyfriend!"

Jon's eyes widened. "No, he's not!" he hissed. He gave Michael a nervous smile. "He's... really not..."

"Which one?" Michael laughed.

He started a new song. Upgrade squealed and started wriggling around as though she was possessed by the ghost of a vibrator. It made Jon uncomfortable.

"Oh, um... both, I guess..."

"That's good. I heard Rabbit was actually pretty nice."

"Oh, well... Yeah. Sometimes."

She wasn't entirely wrong about Rabbit, but after all, he _was_ her father.

"And you seem kinda upset about the other one..."

Jon frowned. He didn't like frowning but he felt it for just one second. He _was_ upset about the other one. He was _so_ upset about it! He blinked away oily tears.

"Oh..." Michael breathed. He was walking backwards while playing. "I'm sorry! I just mean... well, I hope everything works out, okay?"

Did he sense things, too? Because he was hitting way too close to home. But the look of kind concern on his face was sincere, and there was something about him that made you feel like he just couldn't be mean if he tried.

Michael smiled reassuringly, and Jon decided he liked him.

"Thanks," he said softly. "Hey... do you ever play with bands?"

Michael smiled.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And the rest is history. This much was fiction, but the rest is still history.


	6. Manhood - 1954

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which The Spine, newly fitted with an apparatus that is both a dream come true and a source of anxiety, is chatted up by a pretty scientist with a special set of skills.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah, another one about sex. Sorry, I thought I was gonna keep my fiction family friendly, yet here we are. 
> 
> We saw how Rabbit dealt with a sexually aggressive woman. Now we see how The Spine handles one. And eventually I'll have a fic showing Jon's response. Hatchy could probably have one, too. Mostly comedy in his case, I think. Got no plans for one atm though.

"I think that should do it. We'll need to, uh... test it."

"Test it how?" The Spine asked quietly.

"Just to make sure that the hardware operates correctly and that the protocols are active."

He didn't like the sound of that.

"Should the protocols be active? I thought that they were just to help me simulate male behavior."

Alan, the tech, was blushing. He supposed that made sense. They were talking about the installation of a robotic scrotum and it had been embarrassing from the start. If The Spine hadn't been so very desperate for this to succeed, to at last be able to go home and share with his wife the one thing they'd been missing since their marriage, he could never have muscled through the humiliation.

And since they had wisely kept her out of sight while he and Peter discussed the matter with the government agent, he'd managed to keep it as a surprise. Peter had been bright red himself at the time, but when the man had left he'd cracked a few jokes about cold showers. 

"Weren't they?" he pressed.

"Of course," Alan said dismissively. "But they can't do that unless they work. We'll, uh... we'll test them tomorrow, alright?"

He sighed with relief. "Of course."

One day's reprieve, anyway. He supposed they'd make him move the thing and then check the programming. He could just handle that. At least his tech was male. It was embarrassing enough showing it to another man.

"Oh, and we have a new tech coming in soon. Just letting you know in case you meet her."

Her?

"When does she start work?" he asked anxiously.

"Not sure. She's already arrived, but she'd still being debriefed."

"Ah."

Damn. But maybe she wouldn't be in until they were done with the scrotal assembly...

"Anyway, see you tomorrow," the man said.

"Right."

He dressed gratefully and slipped away to the rec room to read for a while. He appreciated very much the fact that they had never treated him like the lab experiment he technically was. He had down time and people were friendly.

He settled into a heavy chair and took out his book. The rec room slowly filled as people finished their shifts throughout the facility.

"Oh, my... this whole room is full! May I sit with you?"

It took him a moment to realize she was speaking to him. He looked up. A young lady in a rather unkempt lab coat was smiling down at him. He couldn't help noticing there were a few other seats around, but politely refrained from saying so. It wouldn't be the first time a new intern contrived to meet him. They all took a natural interest in him for obvious reasons.

"Of course! Feel free," he said, smiling.

He returned to his book as she sat. She set her coffee on the little table in front of them and held out her hand.

"My name is Jessica. Pleased to meet you!"

Well, he had seen it coming. Better to go ahead and field her questions. He set his book down and shook her hand.

"How do you do? My name is The Spine."

"Oh, I know! I was hoping... well, I was really hoping to meet you!"

"You'd heard of me, then?" he said, feeling almost as though he was following a script.

"Of course! Even before coming here! I just love your music! You have such a beautiful voice!"

Oh. There went the script. Usually the conversation was about his Tesla coil or other older weaponry.

"Thank you. Do you have a particular favorite?"

She smiled shyly. "Honestly... I'm a sucker for a love song. I've always wondered, though... do you write all of them about actual girls?"

"Oh, no, no, of course not! But, well... one or two have been inspired by women I knew. But not many, of course. I am a robot, after all. So naturally I would have no business carrying on a relationship with a woman."

Was he laying it on too thick? But she was just smiling benignly back.

"How fascinating!"

Was it?

"How has your visit been?" she went on. "I mean, you know... being here?"

"Oh, well... tolerably nice."

"Just tolerably?"

"Yes. It's a very efficient facility, but of course it isn't home. I do appreciate the attempts to make it more friendly."

"Hm. Yes, this is a nice room, isn't it? Must be nice to take a break from all the upgrades and adjustments."

"It is," he agreed.

"I heard they gave you a completely new skin. It was in the dossier they gave me. All the details of your new look."

"Oh, are you the new tech?" he asked, embarrassed. Here he'd been thinking she was a fan who happened to work there!

"I am! I'll be coming in tomorrow to help with the adjustments."

Dammit to hell. He wasn't sure how to respond.

"Is everything working alright?" she asked, sipping her coffee.

"Absolutely fine. To be honest, I don't think it needs to be adjusted or tested at all!"

She giggled softly, her long brown ponytail swinging as she did so. "I understand. But I _am_ a scientist, you know."

"I realize that but..."

She smiled and gave a slight wink. "Besides... the head tech thought they should have a woman's viewpoint on it."

That was the last thing he wanted! Well... unless the woman was his wife.

"I won't make you do anything that makes you uncomfortable, okay?" she said softly. "I'll trust your judgment."

He relaxed a little. "Thank you. I'm sorry if I seem distrustful..."

"Not at all. You're a man. You don't like being told what to do or when, especially by a woman."

"Well, I don't know that..."

"I mean, it's plain as day that you were never just a machine. I have a feeling you've wanted these upgrades for a long time."

"I have, to be honest."

"Because you say you have no business carrying on a relationship with a woman, but..."

He pushed down the feeling of rising dread. What if they knew about his wife?

"I have a sneaking suspicion that you'd like to change that."

He chuckled sheepishly. "You _have_ read my file."

She laughed. "I could see it in your eyes. You must have felt incomplete until you came here. And now you feel like a whole man."

"Well..."

He really did. It seemed inappropriate to discuss it with her, though. Although she was a scientist...

"I must confess..." His voice dropped to a whisper. "I, uh... always thought my creator should have completed me himself."

"Oh! But he didn't because...?"

"He didn't think it would be a good idea. He thought... well, first of all, he was afraid that the other automatons would expect the same upgrades. So he said. And he assured me that wouldn't be the best for any of them. Also, he met a great deal of criticism for creating us in the first place. A lot of people were uncomfortable with the idea of metal men. So in that climate, he was concerned that if he gave us the part, we would, well... use it."

"Oh my goodness... you mean, he thought you'd go and... make love to women?"

He steamed uneasily.

"I've made you uncomfortable. I'm sorry."

"No... I mentioned it. But yes. He was afraid that we would, or that we would be accused of doing so."

He'd certainly had some experience with being accused, but he refrained from mentioning it. It was just too ugly.

"But... wouldn't that be something you should decide for yourself?"

"Well... the other automatons..."

"Yes, _they_ might not be able to handle having a complete form, but you... You, I think, are mature enough to handle the burden."

She was looking into his eyes. She seemed to see right through him.

"You're a man. When a man meets an attractive woman, he wants to show her how he feels."

Marie... "How very true..." he sighed.

She scooted a little closer. "And she, if she feels an attraction to a man..." she breathed. "She _wants_ to be made love to."

Was she suggesting...? It struck him suddenly that he'd let the conversation get very intimate. Too intimate, even if she was his new tech.

"So I understand it..." he faltered.

"And you must have been waiting so long to be capable. I mean, you have girls all over the world wanting to _be_ with you... don't you?" 

Oh, dear. He needed to find an opening in the conversation and get out of there! She leaned toward him and put her hand on his. He gently slid his out from beneath hers.

"I don't know about that..." he murmured.

"Well, I'm certain there are some girls in this facility that are interested in you. And I'll just bet you've had your eye on someone, too. I mean, you only just got the parts, so you _must_ want to try them out."

He didn't know whether she was making a pass at him, but she was, at the very least, getting far too wrapped up in the conversation. He patted her hand weakly and started inching toward the edge of his seat.

"So glad someone understands," he said with a pale chuckle. "Well, I do need to get some stasis so I'll see you tomorrow."

Tomorrow. Damn! That was when they were supposed to test his new hardware...

She smiled as he hastily stood and started working his way around the little table. "I'll walk you to your room. I'm feeling tired myself."

"Oh, I'm sure your quarters are nowhere near mine..."

She rose and stood directly in front of him. "But I need to know where yours are just in case I need to do maintenance in the middle of the night."

Oh, hell, no... "Really... I don't think that would be appropriate. Remember what my creator cautioned me about. I wouldn't want anyone to think you and I were..."

"Making love?" she purred. "You're right... we don't want anyone to get the wrong impression about us."

Us?

"So I'll see you in the morning," she breathed, smiling.

She turned on one foot, her ponytail swinging as she did, and strolled out of the rec room. He stared after her, shaking a little.

He must have misunderstood, he thought as he hurried back to his room. When he analyzed the conversation, there was nothing in it that amounted to a direct proposition. Just a rather uncomfortably personal conversation with someone who amounted to a doctor. With a certain amount of innuendo, of course, but nothing that directly suggested she meant to try and get into his bed.

But he wondered, as he settled in for stasis, whether Marie would see it the same way.

 

The next day, he topped up his boiler and went very reluctantly to the laboratory, rehearsing in his mind a stack of different speeches about why he didn't need to test the hardware yet, or why Jessica should not be present.

"Spine! Great! Jessica tells me you two met last night, so I can skip introductions. Ready to get to work?" Alan said briskly as he walked into the room.

Jessica looked up from writing on a clipboard. She smiled and waved. He waved weakly back.

"Well, actually..." he began.

"Great! Before we test that hardware, though, I really need to make a couple of adjustments to your chassis."

"What? What kind?" he asked. Jessica walked to the far side of the lab and started pouring things into beakers.

"I noticed the middle abdominal plates seem to be colliding just a little bit," the tech said.

"Well, maybe a little, but I don't slouch usually so..."

"I'd just feel easier shaving a little off the plates. They need to be smooth but flexible and this will save wear and tear down the road."

And it delayed the inevitable, he realized. Even if the plates in question required the removal or at least the lowering of his trousers.

"Alright."

"Out of deference to the lady present, if you could go behind the curtain and toss on a hospital gown..."

"I'm not a child," she called pleasantly from the back of the room.

"Noted," Alan chuckled. He winked at The Spine, who smiled weakly and stepped behind the curtain to change.

A few minutes later, he sat on a sturdy table wearing only the gown and his boxer shorts. The tech had given him a sour look when he saw the boxers but said nothing as he opened a plate on his head.

"I just need to make sure you don't feel it," he explained as he worked.

"Oh? You're turning down the pain receptors?" Jessica asked, approaching.

"No, this is something new. It's called an inhibitor."

"A what?" The Spine asked, and then he felt it.

There was a soft click and it felt as though something was leaking somewhere. Not in the sense that there was anything slick or dripping, but more that something was slowly ebbing away. His limbs felt just a bit heavy. He relaxed slightly.

"That's remarkable..." he said slowly. He tapped his stomach. "I can still feel, however."

"It needs time to fully kick in. Before it does, we have to make a couple more adjustments."

He opened The Spine's chest plate.

"Why..." The Spine began.

"You'll be a little dopey. We need to reduce your strength for safety reasons."

The Spine sat, growing less and less lucid, as Jessica reached in and carefully lowered his strength. Then she turned his sensitivity knob and he gasped.

"What? Why did you do that! That'sh... that's the wrong one!"

"To balance the inhibitor. It's hard to explain," the tech said quickly. "I assure you, it's needed."

"Um... okay..."

Jessica smiled and closed the chest plate. Was he imagining that her hands lingered on his chest just a little longer than necessary? He was getting pretty fuzzy...

The tech picked up his clipboard and keys. "I just need to grab something from another lab so I'll leave you in Jessica's capable hands."

"What? Wait..."

But his tech was gone. He heard the lock click. Jessica smiled.

"It's alright. He'll be back soon and I don't bite."

The room was turning slightly pink. Huh.

"Unless you want me to," she whispered, smiling.

"I don't understand..." he drawled.

She stepped closer. "I think you do," she breathed, touching his chest.

Tingles passed along his chassis. He caught her by the wrist and she gasped.

"Pleash... please don't. It's not appropriate..." he managed.

"But... last night, I felt something. An electricity between us."

"I never... I'm grounded..."

She snickered. "Not that kind of electricity, silly."

"I never did that either..."

She pouted playfully and put her hands on his knees as she moved closer. "You can't tell me you don't find me attractive."

She was kinda cute. Cute, cute kid. "Well, sure..." he mumbled, smiling a half smile.

"I mean... you seemed to like me last night," she breathed, slowly sliding her hands up his legs. "I would have been interested then, too. But you seemed a little nervous."

"Well, yeah..."

"But you can't hide from it forever, sweetie. And you have something now you didn't have before," she whispered, her lips close to his. Her hands rested on his thighs. "Don't you want to use it? To try it out with a pretty girl?"

Boy, did he! "Hell, yeah!" he chuckled.

She leaned forward and he dodged, giggling. She started to slide her hand under his boxers and he caught her by both wrists.

"Not on you, silly!" he giggled. "Or... I guesh it would go _in_ you, but..."

"Ooo, such dirty talk," she breathed.

In one smooth motion, she yanked her hands free, grabbed his head and kissed him. He spluttered, still trying to finish his sentence. It was rather messy.

After a few seconds she gave up, pulled away and cried, "What?"

"Cut... cut it out," he growled drunkenly. "Jus' stop it already..."

"Seriously?" she grumped. "You're basically drunk, you know. Your impulse control has been dialed down to nothing. You've been fitted with a set of functional private parts and male impulses and those impulses have been set just a bit high, I hope you've noticed. Your sensors are cranked up to make it more pleasurable for you and from what I'm told the combination has to be driving you crazy."

Was that why he felt so tense, despite the strange, dopey state of his head? But even if he was feeling sexually frustrated for the first time in years, this wasn't how he wanted to cure it! He wanted Marie, not this... this stranger!

Jessica stroked his chest plate with one hand and he realized the other had started back up his thigh. He squeaked, grabbing her wrists again. One wouldn't seem to hold still but he managed to finally get it pinned.

"Oh, come on!" she cried, wriggling against his grip. "He won't be back until I call for him and I am right here, ready and willing to let you give in and make love to me. You'd get instant relief, but you're still putting up a fight?"

He wobbled and attempted to give her a severe look. He wasn't sure if it was working, seeing as how she snorted with laughter.

"Young lady... hasna... hadn't... has not anyone ever told you it's not appropper... 'snot right to take a'vantage of a young lady... um... an old... an old robot when he's the worse for... for... inhibitors?"

She laughed again, easily sliding her hands free from his slack fingers. He seemed to have lost his ability to make a fist.

"Oh, you _are_ cute," she chuckled. "They told me you were older than you looked but I had no idea you were such a grandpa."

Dammit, he was trying to tell her off! But at least she'd stopped trying to grab his privates.

"I am series... ser-i-ous! I mean it! You are not my wife, see? Not... my... wife..."

He jabbed a finger at her carefully with the last three words but somehow never connected with her shoulder. She caught him by the finger and sighed.

"Alright, alright. Settle down and stay right here while I check in."

She went to the phone. The Spine attempted to get off the table to put his clothes back on. He wasn't hanging around until she came back and started pawing at him again.

How did a guy get off a table, though? There were so many parts to coordinate and he still couldn't seem to grip the edge to stabilize himself.

"Hey, Alan?" she was saying into the phone. "No, we aren't done already. I can't get him to cooperate."

He stopped in the middle of inching one toe toward the floor and stared at her.

"Yeah, I tried that. He was absolutely not interested. He won't even let me touch him."

Pause.

"I could, sure, but I have a feeling I could strip down to nothing and he'd just cover his eyes. Can you come in and crank up the inhibitors?" Pause. "Oh. Yeah, no, that sounds too dangerous. Well, then I'm sorry. I did my best. So what do I do now?" Pause. "A cold shower?" she said dryly. "Very funny. Alright, see you in a minute."

Jessica hung up and turned, staring at him as she leaned against the desk. She sighed deeply.

"I was actually looking forward to it, y'know," she said placidly. "Being your first real lay. I like an adventure once in a while. It's usually congressmen and foreign dignitaries even on a good day. And they all screw the exact same way. Hump, pump, snore." She smiled. "But you, with that little wife of yours... You must have been doing _something_ together all this time. I have a sneaking feeling you have more tricks in bed even without the dick than the entire House of Representatives has between them."

 _"Among_ them..." he said sleepily. 

She chuckled. "Right. Thanks, grandpa."

He didn't know what was going on, but she wasn't coming after him anymore. But... he could almost put the pieces together if he tried really hard. She was talking to Alan about having sex... with The Spine? And she knew about Marie? She was absolutely right about their sex life, of course. He'd gotten pretty damned talented with his hands, but...

The Spine looked down at his hands, straining to focus. He had the feeling he was missing something important here. Mostly he just wanted to lay down. But she'd said something about laying. He looked at her again and decided he could wait.

Was this how Jon felt most of the time? Jon... Jon... if he said the name over and over in his head, it started to sound like it wasn't a real word...

The door lock clicked and Alan strolled in. He walked straight to The Spine and squinted at him.

"Spine... Name all the human members of the Walter family."

"Why?" he asked, wobbling.

"I need to test your lucidity."

"Okay. Um... Wanda... Peter... and also Peter... there's two."

He held up two fingers and gave Alan a serious look.

"Anyone else?" he asked.

"No! There's nobody else so don't even ashk!"

Alan sighed and looked at Jessica. "He's plastered. And you're telling me you can't get him to screw you when he's this dopey?"

"You saying I don't know my business?" she asked, scowling prettily. "I turned those knobs but he could still fall on me if I get too aggressive. If he doesn't want to get laid I can't make him."

Alan sighed. "Alright. I guess we go with plan B."

"Ooo, what's that?" she asked, smiling.

"Send him home to f*** his wife instead."

"Oh," she said, deflated.

"Yeah. He just needs to learn how to do it. We were just hoping to be able to have him learn in a controlled setting where we can monitor his progress."

"What?" she cried. "Wait... do you mean from my reports? Or are you _filming_ in here?" 

"Well, yeah... of course we have cameras, Jess. We need to make sure everything works properly and that you aren't hurt by accident..."

The Spine looked at his fingers again. Damn, they were shiny! Had they always been this shiny? Just so, _so_ shiny...

"Oh, sure, that's what you'll do with the footage!" she said sarcastically. "Or maybe you'll make copies to share with the boys around the lab!"

Alan was oddly quiet. "You'd be surprised how many of the girls have asked for a copy," he said softly.

She scoffed and folded her arms.

"Well, yeah, I mean, look at him..."

"I... I'm shtarting to reshent thish fresh talk, dammit..." The Spine growled sloppily. "An' you jusht watch yehr language, pardner... That'sh my wife yehr... no... I mean I don't have a wife sho you jusht watch what you shay about her!"

Alan shook his head and reached for The Spine's skull plate. The Spine clumsily slapped his hands away.

"Jusht what the hell're you two pullin' here?" he mumbled. "You... you makin' shtag reelsh or shomethin'?"

"Stop fighting or I'll have her kiss you again," Alan muttered.

The Spine sulked but let him reach for the head plate. Maybe he was switching off the weird feeling... He hoped so because then he could really give them a piece of his mind! He didn't seem to be able to manage it at the moment...

"But what about the feds?" she asked. "Aren't they planning to send him out on assignments?"

"They wanted to," Alan murmured as he worked. "But now we'll just have to wait and see how things go."

There was a click and everything went black. 

 

"Spine? Hey, come out of it," Alan was saying.

His photoreceptors came back online. He sat up.

"What... I thought..." He blinked. "What happened?"

"You don't remember?" Alan asked.

"I was on the table and you two were talking about..." He blinked. "Oh, no... no, that must have been a dream."

Alan chuckled. "I still can't get over that. You actually dream! That's fascinating! But no, no... The inhibitors worked fine. I trimmed a little off of the abdominal plates and then Jessica stepped out while you tested the scrotal assembly."

The Spine narrowed his eyes. "How?"

"Oh, just made sure it could be extended and retracted on command. You were pretty embarrassed about it. That's why I asked her to step out. You can get dressed."

He went back behind the curtain and hastily put his clothes back on.

"But why was I offline?" he called as he slipped into his shirt.

"Oh, I tried dialing up the inhibitors to help you relax. I guess you relaxed too much. As least now I know your maximum setting so it doesn't happen again."

"Ah..."

"Is he decent?" called a voice.

"Sure, Jess. Got all the info you need?" Alan called back.

"Yup. I'll just report back to Washington and let them know that the upgrades are a success."

"Oh... I thought she was the new tech," The Spine said as she walked out.

"What? No, you must have misunderstood. I said she was coming in to help, not to stay." He looked at him for a moment. "Unless you wanted her to."

"No! Um, no, that's fine. If we're finished...?"

"Oh... yeah, sure. All done. We can send you home in a few days."

The Spine hurried back to his room, brooding. At least he'd be going home soon.

Maybe once he'd slept with Marie, he'd stop having such dirty dreams.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And the government, just when they were about to call The Spine in for an assignment, finds out his wife is pregnant and the project goes on immediate hiatus until they can determine whether he did it. And next they spend years trying to figure out how to keep it from happening again.
> 
> The real question is how he could have thought they didn't know about Marie. But he's kinda naive sometimes.
> 
> And yeah, I 100% think the government has its own call girls. Something above high class prostitute. A highly classified prostitute. Jessica might also be a spy willing to lend her services in this capacity. For her, it's like taking a vacation. 
> 
> Quick disclaimer: I'm generally opposed to it... some consider prostitution a legitimate profession and I really can't say that I agree. It implies sex is a need you can't control thus needing to employ someone for it, and I just can't agree with that, and on moral grounds I wouldn't approve of it as a profession either. No one should have to put their bodies on the market for the use of others.


	7. On Location - 2012

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Peter IV managed to talk the robots into filming some music videos. They manage to get a few together but it's not easy. Told in the form of outtakes and raw cuts of video.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A whole lot of nothing. I just felt like writing a fake set of outtakes for the Honeybee video. Hope you get a chuckle somewhere along the way.
> 
> Apparently the Honeybee video was directed by Bunny, but I know their old friend from high school was involved and an outsider view has comic potential so I'm painting him as the director in this one.

Rabbit: Is it on?

Director: Just a minute...

Rabbit: Is the camera on, Mr. Director Man?

Director: It's on but don't start yet, Rabbit.

Rabbit: [sighs]

[pause]

The Jon: What should we do?

Director: Just pretend to sing along with the recording, Jon.

The Jon: That's silly...

Rabbit: Oh, excuse me. I d-d-didn't realize it was beneath tha robot that talks ta squirrels.

The Spine: Hush, Rabbit. He's doing his best.

The Jon: You're just jealous that you don't have any squirrel friends.

Rabbit: _I'm_ jealous? Ya th-th-think I'm jealous of yehr friendship with a bunch of flea-bitten rodents?

The Jon: They don't have fleas! And they're so cute!

The Spine: Rabbit, just drop it.

Rabbit: Drop it? Mr. Wonderful here thinks I wanna cuddle up with squirrels!

The Spine: I said drop it. Or should we talk about what's _really_ bothering you?

Rabbit: Dammit, Spine...

The Spine: Well?

Rabbit: F*** you...

Director: Um, guys? We're ready to start.

 

[silence]

Rabbit: The Jon? What're ya doin'?

The Jon: Practicing!

Rabbit: Yehr movin' yehr mouth without makin' noise.

The Jon: Yeah! That's what we're supposed ta do!

Rabbit: Yeah, but I'm pretty sure yehr not mouthing Honeybee.

The Jon: Right! I'm mouthing something else.

Rabbit: Looks like yehr just goin' "bababababababa..."

The Jon: I am!

[pause]

Director: Guys?

Rabbit: Knock it off, we gotta do tha song.

The Jon: I'm ready!

The Spine: Mr. Director, I think we're ready.

Director: Spine, you can call me... forget it. You seem happy calling me that so go ahead. Starting the music.

[Honeybee plays]

Director: Jon! Stop... what is he doing?

[thudding sound]

The Jon: Hey!

The Spine: There goes my vest... Jon! You have to be more careful! We're on a cliff!

Rabbit: Ya nearly danced right off tha edge, dummins!

The Jon: I'm sorry!

[Jon wails]

Director: [sighing] Cut...

 

[Honeybee plays]

The Jon: Oh, Saaam...

[music stops]

Sam: No, Jon... I'm here to make sure you keep your tanks topped up, not to pick up sandwiches.

The Jon: But...

Director: Can we...

Sam: Why do you even _have_ a sandwich?

The Jon: For my fish!

Director: Sam, we're trying to...

Sam: [sighing] Here ya go.

Director: I'm restarting the section.

[music plays]

The Jon: Oh, Saaaaam...

[music stops]

Rabbit: He's just d-d-d-doin' that for attention...

Director: Jon, put it away so we can film.

The Jon: Okay.

[music starts]

[music stops abruptly]

Director: Why aren't you doing anything?

Rabbit: Oh, were we...

Director: Yes!

Rabbit: Huh. Ya coulda told me...

The Spine: The music was playing, Rabbit!

Rabbit: That didn't mean nothin' b-b-before!

Director: That's because Jon kept dropping his...

The Jon: Oh, Saaaaaaaaam...

[pause]

Director: I'm gonna go get some ranch dressing...

The Spine: Nice. Really. Well done.

Sam: Spine, please...

The Spine: Hm?

Sam: The parasol. You're blinding everyone and he likes to linger over his ranch dressing.

The Spine: He was serious? Oh, here he comes...

Director: Forgot to turn off the camera.

 

[Honeybee plays]

Rabbit: [scattered electrical noises]

Director: Ah! What the hell?

The Spine: I've got him! Jon, power him down!

[music stops]

Director: Seriously, what the hell just happened?

Peter VI: Is everyone alright?

The Spine: The usual, Peter. We're rebooting his systems.

Peter VI: Dammit.

Director: [clears throat]

Peter VI: Oh... sorry. That part of the song always gets to him. It may take a few tries to get through it.

Director: [sighing] And you didn't think to mention...

Sam: What's up?

[pause]

Sam: Don't look at me like that, Raul.

Director: Did you know about this?

Sam: About what? [pause] Oh, Rabbit breaking down during the song? I guess so... I don't even notice it anymore.

Director: But you're in the band...

Sam: I just stop playing and think about puppies until it's time to start up again.

Director: Forget it. Just do what you need to do. While we're waiting, a couple of things. Jon... please for the love of all things good, stop wandering away. I know you want to lay in the grass but we already got that shot. Spine...

The Spine: What? Am I doing it wrong? I thought it was just like back in the old days and you just...

Director: Spine! It's okay, calm down! I just wanted to ask whether you could stop doing that one head twitch.

The Spine: Head twitch?

Director: The twitch... where you jerk your head to the side a couple of times.

The Spine: ...I don't do that.

Director: Well, yes, you do...

[pause]

The Spine: Did you film it? Maybe if I see it...

Director: You were looking forward and your head jerked a few times to the side! You didn't notice your own head whipping to the side? [Sam whispers] What, Sam?

Sam: I was trying to tell you that Rabbit is back online and... crap, he's right behind you.

[Director jumps forward]

Rabbit: Leave him the hell alone. No one gives a damn if his head twitches.

Peter VI: Rabbit... cool it.

The Spine: But my head didn't...

Rabbit: I know buddy. I got this.

Peter VI: Rabbit!

Rabbit: Calm down, kid. Just need to straighten this guy out a little.

Director: What's the big deal about asking him to...

Sam: Raul, buddy... just work around it, okay?

The Jon: Is Rabbit upset?

Peter VI: He's fine, Jon. Don't start crying, please...

The Jon: [sniffles and hiccups softly] Okay.

Peter VI: And Rabbit, please just back off.

Rabbit: I will if he will!

Peter VI: Raul, I am so sorry...

Director: [sighs] I need a glass of...

Sam: Ranch dressing?

Director: No, whiskey.

[walks off]

The Spine: But my head never...

Rabbit: I know, cowboy. Take a breather. I mean... ya know w-what I mean.

The Spine: Alright. I'll go see whether Breanna's here yet. Uh... I mean, Breanna and Paige.

Rabbit: Right.

[pause]

Sam: [whispering] But his head _did_ twitch...

Rabbit: [whispering] Hush! He musta remembered something upsetting and locked it up so just shut up or he'll hear ya!

Sam: Ah. Right.

Rabbit: An' tell yehr friend ta lay off already and make it work, okay?

Sam: Fine. [sighs] I'll turn off the camera.

 

Director: Alright, we got it. I just need to reshoot the last shot.

Rabbit: Why?

Director: Well, you stood. You were supposed to stay sitting.

Rabbit: Yeah! I thought it made me look gangsta!

The Spine: It made you look how?

Rabbit: Y'know, like a rap video!

The Spine: Rabbit, we are so achingly far from being rap musicians...

Rabbit: Yeah, but that's why I wanna do the shot that way!

The Spine: Rabbit...

Director: No... no, I think it'll be okay.

The Spine: But you just said...

Director: I'm tired, Spine. Really damned tired.

Rabbit: See? I was right.

The Spine: He never said you were... forget it.

Rabbit: See? Now I'm more right.

The Spine: Whatever.

The Jon: I found a butterfly!

The Spine: The cliff, Jon!

[crashing sound]

The Spine: Dammit, Jon! How many vests?

[Jon wails]

Director: Yeah. So like I said... Got it. We got it. I'm done.

Rabbit: Ya better have made me look good, wiseacre. I don't wear these tight pants for laughs, ya know.

Director: [sighs]

[end recording]


End file.
